It’s just so dark in here sometimes I can barely feel my own heartbeat. I can’t see my feet when I look down…I don’t know where to step next. I’m walking in ‘blind faith’! Is there such a thing? I don’t know but that’s just how it feels daily right now. I’m in a strange place where I’ve begun to see some hope, shadows are flitting around the edges of my vision which can play on other fears. What’s moving around out there that I cannot identify? Have you been outside much before the predawn? I am a lot as a baker. That’s the best time of the day to bake. Before everyone else rises, no one to interfere and bother. You can stir up the dough and get things rising and baking and wake up the world with the most delightful of smells. In order to get to the bakery however it requires a walk outside where its not light. There’s just enough odd light from the moon to cast a gentle glow and shadows. I usually make a good noise scuffle with my feet as I walk and hum a morning tune to ward off any creatures that might have gotten into my fenced yard. I’m really not keen on meeting a fox or skunk anytime, but in the pale darkness feels even less desirable. So, I scuffle quickly but as loudly as my rubber kitchen shoes on sand will allow and dash to the kitchen here on property to get breads arising.
I love the early morning, I don’t like the dash from the house to the kitchen when I feel any sort of panic about creatures or outdoors. I’m not certain what got my hackles up exactly. I’ve seen a few animals out lately very near to home, but I’m sensing that its time for me to get a bigger life picture. As often little things in life do I receive messages in very common things. I like this…but I’m also very humbled. The picture I chose above is one such morning that I was out before dawn baking and then had to drive a child early to school. On my route back home I was so gripped by the beauty of the sunrise I had to stop and take some photos. My cell phone camera really does it no justice as they often don’t. I stood there for as long as the clock allowed me since I had 4 other little guys to get to their respective places for the day also, and bread dough resting on a table back in the bakery. No telling how much over the bowl it might spill if I didn’t skedaddle. There really is nothing like watching the sun come up or the sun go down. It’s just such a spectacular event, it’s pretty amazing we get to view it twice every day if we take the time to really enjoy it.
I’ve been so busy in this life especially this last year and a half since my husbands death. I’ve never been hurt this deep ever before in my life and I’ve been through hell in so many ways. Now between counseling and therapies and school things and working, I keep my head down and keep going forward in what I know is the right direction and am dragging my five sons with me. I know were doing the right things, I’m certain of that. It’s just that I’m sort of hurtling, headlong forward – determined to propel as fast as I can in the right direction, but I right now I’m being given the message to look up a little and breathe and take in some sights along this journey. Right now, as I keep being shown the dawn…even though I’m very aware of the mild dangers around me I’m being given message to stop rest a second and to look up. To take my eyes off of the muck and breathe a little to enjoy the lights of sunrise. I’ve been frustrated at how others have responded during our grief time. How most have basically just disappeared. Perhaps they’re praying for us over there in the distance where they ‘seemed to have lost contact.’ I don’t know? I’ve been so confused by other humans through this troubled time. I don’t get humans at all. I mean really what we’re going through is because of a human. What the heck is wrong with people. Why do we gotta hurt other people. From a little child on up I think this has always been one of my biggest questions. Here now is my message though, get your eyes off people girl and look up. Quit worrying about that scuffle and look up. There’s a new dawn coming, don’t miss the beautiful lights of the morrow.
So here I am pondering big questions again…but I want to move forward in this life. God keeps telling me to look up. Get your head off the ground girl, quit trying to see where to walk in the dark. You can’t see the ground anyhow. It’s even harder in the predawn in case you don’t know. And so if I lift my eyes even a little bit, I glance a little light on the horizon. It stills me. Like for real! My feet stop moving, my brain slows its tempest. Awe floods over my soul. Like a download from the heavens this light pours down through my eyelids right into my spirit and quickens me. Oh, if I would pause like this just a little more often. In this moment I have forgotten my little worries about scuffling noises for animals scurrying around. I’ve forgotten my need to hurry my breads rising before I wake five boys to get them off to schools and daycare. I’ve forgotten the stacks of paperwork and my worries about bills I don’t know how to pay. I’ve forgotten my aching grieving heart…I’ve forgotten my child I’m feeling frantic about self harm for. I’ve even forgotten how cold I am in this moment. Because in this moment I’m receiving something I’m so very desperate for, so hungry for. When you’ve been bent over in worry, work and pain for too long you don’t even realize how much it hurts to stand up straight. So lifting my head up, looking up to the horizon as up to the hills actually hurts so good and the view is spectacular! Drink this in girl, this is yours…this dawning is all yours. Isn’t it beautiful?!
I realized that I needed to take more pauses like this much more often. I do my best to notice beauty in everything. I am great at being grateful in the little things. It’s not that my attitude isn’t good. I think I’m just sensing a shift in focus. Wherever your focus is there you will grow stronger and more knowledgeable…that’s it. So I know that there’s no problem with the focus on healing that I’ve been doing, just that maybe it needs to soften more with some beauty and fun. The crazy thing is that this takes more effort than working does for me. I’m diligent about work but play for me takes effort. How do you teach someone how to play? My childhood was so serious and so full of work. I never learned to relax, play and be a child. I was taught to be doing all the time. To be busy all the time so how do I slow this down as an adult? Somehow I need to figure this out. I love to watch my kids explore and play. Perhaps my new dawning, new awakening includes some fun as it were. I’m a new creation in Christ – so this gives me freedom to become right? I can become any good thing I need to be to be a better me. I refuse to let this situation take me downward in any degree. So if upward is where I’m going, being a better Mom is one of my goals. How do I do that? Somehow learning to have true fun with my sons is my newest challenge. A new day is dawning no doubt! I’m interested to see how colorful and perhaps exciting it might be. I’m a little bit scared also I can admit. This is new territory…each new day is. I could write for another hour about the fears faced on a daily basis, but I wont since I’d like to revel in the beauty of this new day! I wonder what’s dawning on your horizon? What’s the greatest way to learn to play? I’m going to start exploring this. My greatest focus is my kids each and every day…here we go stepping into today! Isn’t it beautiful?
BakerMamma's Tribe of Five 